hindsight

i havnt been back here for a while. i just popped in today to look for the farstigaden thread and noticed that it was a year ago today i put it up. doesn't seem like a year since all that was going down. Sometimes it feels like it was 100 years ago others like it was just yesterday. Its odd looking at your grief from the outside. when your in it its a lot different. don't get me wrong here, I still miss my parents every day and don't think I'll ever get over the sadness, but the actual grief, thats a whole different potato. Grief is more of a physical thing to me than mere sadness at a giant loss. It wraps you up in its arms and keeps you there until you can face the world again. while your in it its a horrible scarey thing but when you can look at it from the outside, its not such a bad thing at all. look nobody can be happy 24/7. So we experience little sads all the time just to remind us what happy is. Those arent grief, those are reminders. true grief is a protective cocoon that wraps itself around you so tightly that nothing can hurt you. none of the little sads can get through. nothing can come inside to remind you that life on the whole is a steaming pile of shit. little sads are like wading into a cold lake. as you get deeper and each part hits you its a shock . but grief is the lake after you've been in it for a while. you know its cold but someone splashing you with a little sad doesnt really effect you. and as time passes you can just dive into lake grief , have a swim and come out. maybe lie on your towel of happy long enough to get dry but not so long that another dip in the lake doesnt make your balls shrivel.

Even after a year i still find time to go and take a dip in the grief lake, but its never as cold and horrible as it was the first time i jumped in. I know I'll get used to it a lot faster. maybe float on a rubber ducky made from happy memories that keep me floating instead of drowning. so while i hated grief with a passion the whole time i was living in it. now i kind of see a reason for it. when your hurting as bad as you can possibly hurt nothing else can really hurt you. so while im not living in the grief its still out there. it still hides behind corners and jumps out at you and yells BOO! and you remember the pain of living inside of it you know you can get away from it before it swallows you up again. its easier to spot because it has little sads all around it like remora fish. but we need little sads. so thats ok.
now of course if i were to try telling this to someone in the middle of grief they'll probably beat me to death with my own sanctimonious philosophy full of wayyyyy too many metephores then is really good for anybody.