The Inlaw saga

Since facebook only lets me have a few words and my mind seems to be full of rant. I guess ill do it here.

First off before i begin why do you have to click the adult warning just to read this? well mostly because it seems to be my little home away from home and i like to swear. Do I need to use curse words to get my point across. No, but do they help me get my point across better? Fuck yes they do. So if your offended by naughty words , Im sorry but i type like i speak. badly. so deal with it or fuck off. i honestly dont care.

Now onto the in-laws. Since i seem to have enough room here, ill offer a brief yet amazing accurate description of the home invaders. people throw around words like lovely and salt of the earth. These people have not met my in-laws. People that have met them throw around words like dear god and run away. While i do actually love them as they have brought me not only my wife, they have also brought me boxes and boxes of English chocolate. For someone like me that lives in a constant state of the munchies. this gift is worth almost as much as their daughter.

Lets start with dad. although I don't call him that. I know some son in laws use that term in a loving manner, just as my wife called my father dad. I call him Bill. he doesn't lend himself to dad, but if he did the interest would be huge and one would need a lot of collateral. Bill is 80 year old. weighs in at 23 stone, walks when he does with a cane and when he doesn't, has a scooter known as the buggy from hell. This mammoth thing must be loaded and unloaded everywhere he goes. Now i understand the need for a mobility device, but there have been several innovations since the stone age. I am constantly surprised that a dinosaur head doesn't pop up through the roof with 2 small children on it every time i lift the damn thing onto and off of my car. Bill is deaf as a post and refuses to wear the hearing aid he has. Although from the jungle of old dude hair sprouting from his ears it would probably need to come with several gun bearers and a witty side kick that calls people buana. His refusal to admit he doesn't hear causes him to answer all questions put to him with another question. one he can't hear the answer to, so he asks the question again louder. While this works very well in comedy sketch shows, in reality is annoys the shit out of you after about 10 minutes.

Then we have Attila The Mum. a woman who breathes life into the English stereotype. She is proper and stodgy and eats french fries with a fork. She has the ability to bore you with a story for hours. when the gods intervene and she is interrupted, usually by Bill shouting WHAT?, she will drop the story just long enough that you think your free before starting again in mid sentence. She is barely diabetic, takes no meds for it and eats sugar coated anything. She doesn't mention her diabetes along with her irritable bowl syndrome a minimum of 17 times an hour. She is addicted to pancakes using sugar free syrup and an entire can of whipped cream with each serving. in the 7 years we've been married she has clogged no less than 21 toilets with her irritable bowels. While she doesn't ever resort to white gloves, her every look wears a pair and the same look would make an experienced drill Sergent wee in his pants.

These are my house guests for the foreseeable future. The following is an actual conversation that will happen every evening for the next month.

Me " Hi im home from my 12 hour day , what would you guys like for dinner?"

Mum " whatever you'd like to cook for us will be fine, We're not picky"

Me "I was thinking maybe we could go out as i haven't defrosted anything"

Bill "What?"

Queef "DINNER DAD WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT?"

Bill " What?"

Mum. " Oh you know me I'm not picky anything will be fine. if your sure you don't feel like cooking"

Me " well I am kind of tired and i know you need to eat at a decent hour. I thought we'd try the Italian place down the street"

Bill " what?"

Queef " ITALIAN DAD"

Bill " Italians are bad, why i remember during the war there was this Itilian bloke that..."

Queef "No dad I TA LAIN FOOD"

Bill " some of them are good but back during the war there were quite a few that were..."

Mum " Italian is fine. you know me im not picky, only I'm not a huge fan of pasta or cheese or sauces, but im sure i can find something there to eat>"

Me " Ok no Italian how about something easy. burgers or something?"

Mum " That would be fine. only are they American burgers?"

Me " Ok im going about this the wrong way. What would you fancy for Dinner?"

Mum " Oh you know me ill eat anything, what ever you fancy is fine by me. if your sure you don't feel like cooking."

Bill " What?"

Mum " Why is Dean banging his head against the side walk?"

bill " what?"