Emotional Survival Instinct

Ok so yesterday they told me my moms got pancreatic cancer and she's gonna die. Im gonna be using this to get my thoughts out because i find it makes room for more that way . so bear with me. it actually helps. im not going to try to tell people about my mom. the people that know her dont need telling and the ones that dont, im sorry the internet isnt big enough to hold all the words id need.

so when you hear those words, the first thing you think is " what am i gonna do?"

i don"t care how saintly you like to think you are. thats the first thought. because your you and you live inside you and your the first person you run into. at this point Emotional Survival Instinct starts working. ESI is what keeps us from folding into a giant pile of self pity. ESI's first response is to put the next question into your head.
" what are we gonna do?"
because this is obviously too big for your self to deal with so it sends it out to as many people as possible. the next thing you think is "i can not fucking deal with this." ESI jumps up and tells you "you kind of have to. lets think about something else."
"poor mom" says ESI.
"poor me" says you.
"stop it!" shouts EMI. "you've got shit to take care of."
and suddenly details replace self pity for a while and ESI has saved you from complete overload. the whole mom is dying thing becomes known in your head as just "it" and occasionally no matter how many details you hide behind, "it" will politely tap you on the shoulder and mention that "its" still here, and would like your attention please. and ESI tells it just as politely that your busy right now and will deal with "it" later.

One of ESI's main weapons is hate. which when used judiciously is an amazing thing. but thats the key. little hate works quite well as an emotional release valve. guy cuts you off. here have a little hate. "Take that ya lousy driving bastard!!! I got to lower my emotional tank and you still get to drive like an asshole. luckily ESI knows how to regulate it or sorrow becomes rage. that just gets you into more trouble you really can't deal with right now and quite frankly none of us has the time to convince ourselves that 2 things aren't happening at once. so no you get by with little hates. sharing it around, and there's lots of places to stick a little hate. everyone whose mom isnt dying can have a little. Aretha Franklin can have quite a bit. cuz shes dying of the same thing and gets to be on the news. ESI is very good at its job. Nobody will notice a little extra hate floating around the world and its got more room than i do.

So you go through your day throwing up little blocks every time "it" pops up
" excuse me , your mom"
"sorry no time now my coffee needs milk. ill get back to you."
"er not to be pushy but the whole cancer thing"
" no time right now seems my email spam need to be deleted." and so on. but eventually it stops being polite and grabs you by the emotional lapels and says "look man, we have to talk. i'm not going away and im real and im right here" so you sigh and look "it" directly in the face. as the whole thing comes crashing down on you your first thought is
" what am i gonna do?"